Analyzing Messages (pp. 160-161)

(1) I chose to analyze and revise sentence number 3. This message is response from an employee to a request from a customer. This is a situation in which there is a response to a claim when the customer is at fault. When responding to this type of message, the responder should avoid placing blame on the customer and focus on courteously informing them how to avoid repeated mistakes. This message as a whole is harsh towards the customer and places a lot of blame on him. This is especially apparent in the last couple of sentences when the responder tells the customer everything that he has done wrong. Instead of ending on a negative note that makes the customer seem at fault, this response should end by portraying a positive message that assures the customer that the company is there to support him and solve his problem as quickly as possible.

(2) Revised Version:
I am contacting you today about your recent request for technical support on your cable internet service. Our main goal in technical support is to work with the customers and troubleshoot quickly so that your problems are solved as soon as possible. A problem that we often encounter in our department is determining each individual customer's need. In order to do this, we provide fields in the online support request form for our customers to indicate details about their computer and the problems they are having. If you could please resubmit your request online and include all of the details about your slow downloading speeds and your specific computer, we can assess the problem and fix it as soon as possible. Please let us know if you have any questions or concerns or if there is anything else that we can do to help serve you.


Question #9 (Letter Revision)
a. The beginning of this letter does not make a direct request for what the writer is seeking. He should start the letter with what he is requesting and go into explanations from there. The sentences and questions throughout the letter tend to get confusing because they have more than one idea or topic in each statement. In order to clearly relay the message, the writer should only include one topic of discussion per statement. The overall tone of the message is little too informal and should use more appropriate and business-like words and phrases. Although it ends on a positive note, this message should wrap things up a little better and more clearly define what the request is.

b. 1. Create a clear statement of your request: This should be the first thing included in the letter and should clearly define what the writer is requesting.
2. Decide what explanation is needed to justify your request: The writer should include some details and explanations, but only those that are relevant to the topic. This writer seems to go into too much detail on unnecessary topics.
3. Determine whether you can use lists effectively in your letter: This letter, if done correctly, could effectively use a list. The writer could form list when explaining the request of what he is interested in getting. If this is done, it is important to only include relevant topics and make sure that the list is clear and concise.
4. Ask for specific action: This should be done after the request has been made clear and should be done so in a friendly, yet professional way.
5. Mention a deadline and reason to respond, if appropriate: This is appropriate for this message because the writer has a time limit and should make it clear when he would like a response.
c. Revised Letter:

5493 Beechwood Drive
Trenton, NJ 08608
April 12, 2009

Florida Resort Bureau
1555 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, FL 33401

Dear Sir:

I recently saw your advertisement about Florida resorts in the Smithsonian magazine and am interested in acquiring more information on them for the vacation that my family and I are planning. We are looking for a resort that is near a larger city as well as the beach and other forms of entertainment for the whole family. I am particularly interested in resorts that have public transportation in case we want to leave the resort at some point throughout our stay.

We are planning this trip for late September and would need the information within the next 2 weeks if possible. If there is any way you could include information on off-season rates and what they include as well as contact information for who to speak to about concert schedules during our stay that would be great. Could you also inform me of the typical weather in Florida during September so that we can know what to expect?

Thank you for your time.
Frank C. Atlas